Get ready recruits, former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice might be coming to your living room. Not satisfied with her role on the Playoff Selection Committee, Condoleezza Rice has personally requested to take part in the recruiting process on behalf of Stanford football.
“I’ve met with dignitaries, world leaders, even the Pope,” Rice said. “Nothing compares to the rush of convincing young men to play for Stanford football.”
Rice has already taken it upon herself to hit the road. She recently rented a Toyota Camry and drove to Utah to meet with three recruits at a local Arby’s.
“You have to show these guys that Stanford isn’t just about class and elite academics. It’s also about hard work, blue-collar attitude and delicious roast beef sandwiches.”
Head Coach David Shaw is equally enthusiastic about adding the formidable Rice to an already stellar recruiting group: “At first I gave that look, you know the one. But then she started to make the pitch and I was really convinced. That kind of determination and seamless salesmanship is almost dangerous. She could have had me coaching at Kentucky if she wanted to.”
Not everyone is as jazzed as Coach Shaw about the Rice hire, however. USC Athletic Director Pat Haden was not pleased. “I just don’t see how this is fair. Now Coach Sarkisian’s recruiting pitch just looks slimy compared to Condi’s eloquent sell of Stanford football.”
The addition of Rice will likely be a huge boon to Stanford’s already stellar recruitment record. Defensive Coordinator Lance Anderson seemed particularly excited about the prospect of Ms. Rice on the recruiting trail. “Before, recruiting trips were really, really boring. Now I get to talk about the pros and cons of viewing the world through a zero-sum lens. Also, she likes Journey. I freaking love Journey.”
Editor’s note: This article was published as part of The Daily’s April Fool’s Day edition and is completely fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.