Big Game: The Greatest Predictions of All Time

Nov. 23, 2013, 1:07 a.m.

No. 9 Stanford (8-2, 6-2 Pac-12) vs. Cal (1-10, 0-8)

Davis Shan, Soccer Head Coach at Stamford University

(David Elkinson/isiphotos.com)
(David Elkinson/isiphotos.com)

Stanford 0 – Cal 0

First and foremost, I just want to say that Cal is a great team. A great team. Their quarterback, Jared Goff, is so talented, so smart, so perfect. He’s just a great kid. Do I think he’ll be the No. 1 overall pick in the NFL Draft in a few years? Absolutely. Absolutely. This game is going to come down to the wire. It’s all about who can make that big play, and looking at my score prediction, that play might never happen. Stanford just needs to stick to its bread and butter on offense: the power running game. The only two exceptions are when we’re near the goal line or the game is on the line. In that case, dialing up the always unpredictable Wildcat or throwing to our defensive ends should do the trick. Cal will be in a for a niceee supliiiiise! First and foremost, coach Mason deserves all the credit…oh wait, I’m not supposed to say that until after the game.

 

David Cohn, Managing Editor of Treehouse248900_220704984625376_4137118_n

Stanford 100 – Cal 2

Fifth-year senior inside linebacker Shayne Skov returns two fumbles for touchdowns, while running for three more scores on offense. Oski comes onto the field in the fourth quarter to record the only points for the Golden Bears. Cal fans look forward to baseball season.

 

George Chen, Token Asian399578_2789308888552_1960286867_n

Stanford 10 – Cal 0

Stanford wins the toss and elects to receive. Ty Montgomery catches the ball at the 1-yard line and intentionally takes a knee. Quarterback Shayne Skov hands the ball off to running back David Yankey on the first snap of the game, and Yankey uses 10 completely unnecessary spin moves to score a 99-yard touchdown. After that touchdown, the Cardinal offense kneels on every play for the rest of the game. Jim Harbaugh parachutes down onto the field at halftime. Defensive tackle Conrad Ukropina and linebacker Barry J. Sanders force 30 total turnovers, while kicker Trent Murphy hits a 70-yard field goal. After the game, Cal athletics director Sandy Barbour begs coach Kevin Hogan to switch his allegiance.

 

Winston Shi, The PopeWinston Mugshot

Stanford 1776 – Cal -2

David Shaw leads the Stanford team in a rendition of the chicken dance midway through the second quarter, and the Cardinal takes knees for the entire second half. Crippled by stadium expenses and with no end to the suffering in sight, California’s athletic department is acquired by John Hennessy in an unprecedented LBO for the grand total of one dollar. The NCAA considers penalizing Cal for its horrendous APR but declines to sanction the Bears in any way, declaring that “It would not be humanly possible for Cal to sink any lower. Come on, even 2008 Washington would beat Cal by 30.” Cal nevertheless drops below UCLA in the university rankings at U.S. News and World Report.

 

Do-Hyoung Park, Unaccompanied Minor9069_10200316620787315_1740561956_n

Palo Alto High School 84 – Cal 0

After a short period of deliberation, the NCAA rules that Big Game cannot proceed as planned due to the expected beatdown being a violation of the 8th Amendment’s clause against “Cruel and Unusual Punishment.” Pac-12 Commissioner Larry Scott rules that Cal should face a team of equal caliber in order to keep the game competitive and chooses Palo Alto High School from just across the street. Stanford commit Keller Chryst gashes the Cal defense for 997 yards, eight touchdowns through the air and four rushing touchdowns playing blindfolded, with his non-dominant hand and only running backwards. Cal is demoted to Division III and Jared Goff transfers to UC-Davis, citing a desire to play at a “real school.”

 

Vihan Lakshman, SEC Apologist 551212_3748314589912_1990392468_n

Stanford 77 – Cal 7

In a last minute effort to keep such a cherished rivalry competitive, Cal head coach Sonny Dykes gets on his knees at midfield and begs David Shaw to switch to flag football. After burning two timeouts to think it over, Shaw accepts. Trent Murphy leads the way with 11 unbelievably violent flag pulls while scoring five touchdowns as the Card’s feature back. With three minutes left, the Band prematurely runs on the field–again–but then proceeds to rack up four touchdowns on the Bears through a series of nifty formations that spell out “Safety School.”

 

Michael Peterson, “Big Mike”425856_4819586134036_2037699206_n

Stanford 78 – Cal 70 (3OT)

Cal jumps out to an early 14-0 lead before David Shaw notices something awry–Aaron Rodgers (broken collarbone and all), Marshawn Lynch, DeSean Jackson, Tony Gonzalez and every other notable Cal player in the NFL are in disguise and have returned to play for Cal. Shaw quickly calls Andrew Luck and Toby Gerhart and throws in Richard Sherman who happens to be back watching the game on his bye week. Luck and Gerhart arrive at halftime, where Cal leads 35-14. Luck and Gerhart lead a furious second-half comeback and Stanford trails only 56-49 with five minutes to go, where Shaw decides to hand the ball off to Gerhart on every single play as Gerhart leads a 13-play, 82-yard touchdown drive that sends the game to overtime. Stanford wins in the third overtime when DeSean Jackson breaks away for what should be an easy touchdown but prematurely celebrates and drops the ball on the 1-yard line, where Richard Sherman jumps on it.

 

Roxy Sass, Joey Beyda Doppelganger

Stanford 69, Cal 6.9

Come and get it ;)
Come and get it 😉

The Daily Sports Staff is the collective moniker of an overworked, beleaguered, underpaid collection of sportswriters that feel comfortable enough with their own self-identities to give up any sense of individualism for the good of the sports section. To contact The Daily Sports Staff, send an email to the managing editor(s) of the sports staff (sports 'at' stanforddaily.com), keepers of the souls of those sportswriters.

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