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OPINIONS

Archives: Stanford Enquirer

Editor’s Note: Every Wednesday, The Daily will reprint an interesting opinions piece from The Daily archives.

Earlier today, Deadspin reported that Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o’s alleged girlfriend, Lennay Kekua, who reportedly passed away from leukemia in 2012, was completely fictitious. Other publications had previously reported that Kekua was a Stanford student.

On Thursday, May 24, 2007, The Stanford Daily reported that Azia Kim had been living in a Stanford dormitory all year pretending to be a Stanford student.

 Daily columnist Kat Lewin shared her thoughts on Azia Kim and The Daily’s coverage of the scandal at the end of spring quarter in 2007.

This article was published in Volume 231, Number 72 of The Stanford Daily on Thursday, June 7, 2007.

Last Thursday, The Daily unveiled its exclusive (and nonstop) coverage of the Azia Kim story – or should I say the Azia Kim sensation – and a legend was born. Hot on the heels of that journalistic victory, we as a paper single-handedly not only ousted a highly threatening Asian female physics sugar-daddy-seeker from a campus laboratory, but unearthed never-before-seen eyewitness photographs of Azia Kim actually in the process of “chowing down on a hamburger.” Judging by the unprecedented number of people I’ve seen reading non-sudoku sections of the paper, clearly we’re onto something.

The only course of action: We need to make hay while the bacon sizzles. The 24/7 multimedia squatter coverage, interviews with myriad anonymous sources, and scanned photographs of Ms. Kim’s wall signs are a good start, but what we really need is a whole separate division of the press dedicated to raking up the muck. I present for your approval the first mini-issue of The Stanford Enquirer.

Today, a group of Asian-American female tourists were seen in front of MemChu. When a witness demanded on them show identification, she rapidly walked aay without addressing the request. She is currently suspected of pretending to be a tourist in order to gain access to the Stanford University campus during normal business hours. More information on this story as it unfolds.

Was renowned author and Stanford celebrity Tobias Wolff’s latest novel directly plagiarized from the work of Pulitzer-winner Phillip Roth? My sources tell me: almost definitely not.

Last Wednesday in the main quad, my spies spotted no fewer than ELEVEN students locked in President Hennessy’s office, some of whom may not have been of legal age. Also wandering around the scene we two naked students with various phrases painted on their bodies. Later, the students were bondaged up in plastic handcuffs and two were heard shouting, “Take me!” to men dressed in police uniforms.
This just in! Apparently on top of Azia Kim using her Stanford affiliation to acquire thousands of dollars’ worth of military equipment from the ROTC program, an unidentified Toyon resident used his Stanford wireless internet connection to pirate literally tens of dollars’ worth of music from MyTunes and LimeWire.

Last Saturday night, four scantily clad female undergraduates were spotted waiting for 5-SURE on the corner of Campus Drive and Mayfield. Investigation shows that all four failed to fail a BAC sobriety test. So one of the perpetrators, “Yeah, I’m not, like, drunk, yet. I just don’t want to walk all the way to SlavDom.” If 5-SURE program decides to press “Theft of Service” charges, each girl could be fined up to $3.50 for the violation.

Spotted today in White Plaza by the post office: A large placard sponsored by LaDouche (oops, LaRouche) fanatics proclaiming: “Global warming is as fake as your girlfriend’s orgasm!” As of press time, Mr. Larouche’s girlfriend declined to return repeated calls from The Enquirer.

Stanford Enquirer rabble-rousers have located yet another potential squatter on campus. The subject is a white middle-aged male who has been spotted haunting Governor’s Corner, claiming he lives in the area. Interviews with sources who wished to remain anonymous have confirmed that the man has been hanging around Adams and Schiff houses for upward of four years, and can usually be spotted at the FroSoCo weekly barbeque wearing an apron that says “Kiss the Chef.”

The perpetrator goes under the alias “John Bravman” and claims he is the Dean of Freshman/Sophomore College. Sterling Quad residents are advised not to let strangers piggy-back them through doors and, for the love of Pete, to lock their friggin windows.

Also spied this week: a group of bored-looking undergraduate students procrastinating on studying for finals by reading sensationalist stories in the campus newspaper. Said one witness: “Yeah, this is kind of lame – I’m just holding out until I find out what brand of zit cream Azia Kim used.”

Well, loyal Enquirer fans, keep reading. With any luck, we should be breaking that front-page news any day now.