Widgets Magazine

OPINIONS

Girl You Know It’s True: Where Your Favorite TV Shows Will Be Five Years from Now

Fox just renewed “The Simpsons” for a 23rd season, meaning that it is contractually obligated to pass 500 episodes, which is, well, a lot. Not many shows run that long—“Lassie” and “Gunsmoke” are the only other primetime shows to pass the 500-episode barrier. Given the way “The Simpsons” have had to redefine the show’s timeline—flashbacks to Marge and Homer’s courtship have taken place in both the 1970s and early 1990s—it is interesting to wonder where the plots of various other television programs will be five years from now.

“The Office”

The elusive filmmakers behind the show finally show the workplace-based documentary they’ve been working on for the past two decades and have a private screening in the Dunder Mifflin conference room. Dunder Mifflin employees who had been excited about the movie are very upset by their negative portrayal in the film. In his triumphant return, Regional Manager Michael Scott (Steve Carell) tries to get the documentarians to cut out all the parts that make him look stupid. As things get awkward, Jim looks into the camera and makes a face.

“Glee”

Just kidding, this show will obviously be off the air within a year or two.

“Desperate Housewives”

No longer able to trade on the “sex appeal” (?) of its stars, “Desperate Housewives” becomes more and more about menopause, back pain, diabetes and other old lady problems. A few episodes into season 12, the producers of the show begin to broadcast “Golden Girls” reruns in place of new “Desperate Housewives” episodes, and nobody notices.

“Entourage”

Rumors of its impending finale notwithstanding, in five years, everyone’s favorite show about what it’s like to be good-looking, short and successful in Hollywood will have the making of “Entourage” episodes down to a science. Ari Gold (Jeremy Piven) will walk fast and yell hurtful things. Stanford MBA Lloyd Lee will prance around effeminately and give Ari a motivational speech. Eric “E” Murphy will walk fast and try to physically intimidate other 5-foot-4-inch men. Johnny Drama will fail to pick up a woman and suffer a career setback that ultimately turns in his favor. Turtle’s plot will revolve around securing a pair of fancy sneakers.

The show’s ostensible protagonist, Vincent Chase will appear just once in the episode, talking on the phone while either preparing to or just finishing having sex with some nameless, topless woman.

“Outsourced”

By the time its sixth season rolls around, “Outsourced” will be by far the most popular show on television for the simple reason that Indian people are uniquely worthy of our derision and mockery. I mean, over there they name people (get this) Manmeet. That means penis in our entirely different language. Hilarious!

“Conan”

After TBS forces embattled late night talk show host Conan O’Brien to step aside so that George Lopez can take his time slot, Conan’s new show, “O’Brien” will ride a swell of popular support to a highly rated opening night, which will be immediately followed by everyone going back to not caring about him.

“Mad Men”

As Don Draper (Jon Hamm) and his fellow advertising hotshots lead their firm Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce Campbell & Holloway into the 1970s, the issues of racism, sexism and anti-Semitism that had in large part defined previous seasons disappear the instant a new decade begins.

Desperate for plots, the show’s writers haphazardly scan the Wikipedia page for 1970 and as a result, most episodes surround characters milling about the newly-invented watercooler and discuss such events as Tonga gaining independence, Edward Heath being elected as prime minister of the United Kingdom and NBC anchor Chet Huntley retiring from full-time broadcasting.

“Dancing with the Stars”

After America suddenly realizes that ballroom dancing is boring enough to do, let alone watch, ratings lag until sitting President Sarah Palin follows in her daughter’s footsteps and has a child out of wedlock appears on the program as a contestant. Though her first performance initially excites a base of supporters, eventually her insistence on always leading her partner in a line dance routine to “God Bless the USA” and claim that any judge who gives her bad marks is “Muslimist” begins to grate.

Want to reminisce about Fox LOL Sundays with Jordan? E-mail him at jcarr1@stanford.edu.

  • Kit Steinkellner

    Hilarious Jordan, and …. spookily accurate? Only time will tell…

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