By now, after its colorful displays in the activities fair and its omnipresence at dorm meetings, the Sexual Health Peer Resource Center (SHPRC) and all its colorful sexual accoutrements should be intimately familiar to all of you kids. Its institutionally supported, lighthearted and creative approach to a controversial subject like sex education really helps break down the vestigial societal barriers that hold us back from having open and honest conversations about sexuality in today’s society. There’s a disconnect, though, because SHPRC is still vastly underutilized by large subsections of the student body. The center is struggling to reach out to them, and I think I can offer an insight. The thing is, SHPRC, in order to take advantage of your lovely 12 free condoms, or exchange them for lube and cock rings, someone has to want to have sex with you first. Quite the curious, and maddening, dilemma.

For just how many fellas and ladies and genderqueer folk am I speakin’ right now? Judging by the frequency of limericks sent to the Band’s e-mail list, the level of entanglement on its hookup map, the number of high-pitched squeals I hear through the all-too-thin walls of Chi Theta Chi, and the aggregate two high school girlfriends in my Roble freshman quad: enough.

So what gives, Stanford? Well, part of the problem is our obsession with time management. No one puts “Bonetown, 2-4” in their GCal, and everyone here knows that if you don’t make something a priority, it won’t get done, which is why at the end of the night, people end up claiming they’re too tired to perform their primary biological function, a particularly cutting rejection considering the number of “distracted by Facebook, supposed to be working”-type status updates I see at 1:30 a.m. on a regular basis.

Then there’s that other ghastly business that holds us back from realizing our sexual potential: that whole rape thing, which turns an affirmation of life into a destroyer of spirits and can make girls afraid to be sexually open. And they’re kind of a necessary part in the equation for total sexual liberation.

Dudes, let’s talk. I read a study on Jezebel last November that said that 6 percent of male college students have admitted to rape or attempted rape, which means the capacity to rape is present in a lot more of us than we’d probably like to admit. I’m especially talking to you guys who think you’re the nicest dude on the planet and are incapable of ever making a woman uncomfortable. Some introspection might help before your next round of creeping, because it really is not helping the rest of us.

And ladies, I’ve got a few words for you as well. Don’t worry. I’m not going to tell you to make sure you’re not leading guys on or anything like that. Two years in Men Against Abuse Now have taught me there really, truly, is nothing you can do to “ask for it.”

No, the main issue I have is that most of the anti-sexual assault literature on campus seems to ascribe no sexual agency to women, assuming you’re all Disney characters who have no idea what a guy is really after when he invites you to his room. Indeed, following a guy to his room is not an invitation for rape. (It is an invitation for a few awkward moments, and with the exception of a rare species of turtle, no one likes awkward moments.) Though I would never do anything as intellectually cavalier as blame women for the presence of misogyny, I will say that rejection after a night of flirting is bound to cause some frustration on the guy’s end, no matter how many feminist studies courses he’s taken. Honestly, you should take it as a compliment.

So buck up, you guys, because after all, Stanford is a pretty unique sexual landscape. We’ve got hundreds of the fittest people on the planet, but they have to compete for attention with the tech start-up whizzes. The co-ops are as much a bastion for hipsters as they are for hippies. And College Prowler be damned, we are some attractive people. There is no reason why any of you shouldn’t go through all 12 of your free condoms by week five and then empty out Tres-Ex by the end of the quarter. Sex is a pretty good study break.

When has Stanford ever been about accepting the status quo? Don’t be afraid of your sexuality, and don’t be afraid to ask for anything you want from another person. Just remember to ask first. Get off your seat and out of them pants and start a revolution!

For those looking to start the revolution right away, e-mail [email protected] or find him at EBF tonight. Woot Das Racist.