Many Stanford students have remained virgins for various reasons. Some are religious, and some are waiting for that “special someone.” Then there exist others, for whom “saving oneself” is an outdated concept–particularly if it is for some non-descript person in the future whom one may or may not meet. Some do not even believe in the institution of marriage. Others, women especially, are simply repulsed by the idea that “virginity is the best gift a woman can give to a man” because the idea is rooted in viewing women as possessions–that a man does not want “his” woman’s body to be “contaminated” by another man’s touch. Once the woman is not a virgin, she is “damaged,” “impure,” or “used” and therefore “devalued.” Thus a woman’s worth peaks before she gives up her virginity. In addition, to “give” yourself to someone sounds like the offer of a martyr, surrendering yourself on the altar, prepared for some terrible mythical operation to happen to your body, which in that moment no longer belongs to you. Therefore, these people do not place a monumental emphasis on virginity. If anything, it almost seems like a hindrance to liberty because of these particular social connotations. Therefore, these people have remained virgins simply because the opportunity hasn’t come up–or by the “luck of the draw.”

Therefore, being one of “those people” aforementioned, I have always struggled with the concept of virginity. Instead of letting virginity be infused with power and define my worth as a woman, I wondered how I could reclaim my agency and claim virginity for what it is–as simply an event in my life which I have control over. The solution I came up with involved, instead of thinking of it as the “best gift” I can give to someone, thinking of it as something I am doing for myself–as a step closer to the exploration of what my body is capable of feeling and experiencing (which is equally applicable to male virgins). I also asked myself if I was ready for sex. What are the consequences? How can I have safe sex? Pleasurable sex? Having heard horror stories about how terrible, painful and bloody the first time can be, I was almost ready to “get it out of the way” so I could enjoy the “adventurous,” “pleasurable,” “ecstatic” sex I have always read about.

Of course, then the question is who is the “partner in crime”? Should it be a girlfriend? So I could learn from real experiences (who can probably also deal with blood better)? Feeling that homoeroticism was another playing field, I decided perhaps I would also postpone first time with a girl. Should it be from a boyfriend? So I could feel sparks of “fireworks”? Having also known both male and female virgins who had their first time with their significant other and then having to endure their break-up stories, I decided that perhaps with a boyfriend was not the way to go for me either. I am by no means ready for that level of emotional entanglement, particularly realizing that women are more prone to post-sexual attachment. Having done my research, I was then ready for the opportunity to arise so I could stop being a “virgin-by-luck.”

Through my questioning and reasoning, I was able to demystify sex, remove it from social implications, see it for what it is and define it for myself. I was taught to put virginity and sex on a pedestal, but that inevitably just set me up for disappointment. People sometimes like to sell the propaganda that the first time is the most beautiful thing in the world. But when they say that, they omit the pain or the awkwardness that are all associated with the first time. Perhaps virginity is special–after all there is only one first time (as is the case with golfing or rock climbing). Because of the set ups and various other reasons (such as not being ready for sex), people sometimes regret their first time. We should be honest with ourselves and with our expectations, so we do not set ourselves up for regrets.

Losing one’s virginity is exciting because it opens doors for sexual exploration. To many, it marks the entrance into adulthood. The first time probably won’t be perfect. Like other physical activities, sex takes practice (and active researching of techniques and tricks) to get better. So what if your first time is not the crowning moment in your life? It does not preclude you from having great sex later in life. Have sex; have great sex! Do it for the very first time, if you are ready! And if you have done it already, do it with just as much excitement and curiosity as your first time!

For questions concerning virginity or to share your virginity stories, e-mail [email protected].