Previews on a mother fuckin’ summer

“X-men: The Last Stand” (May 26) Starring Hugh Jackman, Halley Berry, Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellen, Kelsey Grammer, Anna Paquin and Vinnie Jones.

The greatest part about this movie, apart from the fact that it comes out next week, is that it’s the final chapter of one of the most beloved comic book franchises in history.
Actually, that’s a lie. The best part is seeing Frasier’s Kelsey Grammer in a blue monkey suit, bouncing off walls as Beast. Hilarious.

“The Break-up” (June 2) Starring Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston

I like to call this movie “Mr. and Mrs. Smith 2.” Why? Think about it. Vince Vaughn co-starred with Brad Pitt while he was married to Jennifer Aniston and scoping out Angelina Jolie. Now that Brad and Angelina have merged into Brangelina, Aniston has moved on to Vaughn, a man who looks like he hasn’t slept in a week. The only logical conclusion of this movie is that Vaughn and Aniston will combine into Vinciffer and gossip rags will implode in a cross-contamination of famous people. Anyway, it looks funny. Go see it.

“Cars” (June 9) Starring Owen Wilson, George Carlin, Bonnie Hunt, Cheech Marin, Paul Newman, John Ratzenberger and Larry the Cable Guy

Up until now it seems that Pixar could do no wrong. At first, “Cars” made me think that it might be the company’s first hiccup; but after watching some clips from the film, it looks like Pixar is keeping up its tradition of clever writing and amazing visuals. Hopefully people will look past the Chevron commercial look of the main characters. I still think Pixar might continue their dominance over the computer animated market. Plus, who doesn’t love anthropomorphized cars?

“Nacho Libre” (June 16) Starring Jack Black

“Nachoooooooooooooooooooo….” There is only one man on the entire planet I would go Brokeback for: Jack Black. So, seeing him shirtless and in spandex as priest turned luchador (i.e., wrestler) is probably the greatest thing since enchiladas with cheese.

“Superman Returns” (June 30) Starring Brandon Routh, Kevin Spacey and Kate Bosworth

Did you know that “X-men: The Last Stand” director Brett Ratner was originally attached to this project before “X-men 2″ director Bryan Singer replaced him? In a strange twist of fate, Singer ended up directing the film Ratner was supposed to direct and Ratner ended up directing the movie Singer was supposed to direct! Anyway, if you see one movie this summer, watch this movie. If you don’t believe me, watch the trailer, but be prepared to have to change your pants because it’s that awesome.
“Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest” (July 7) Starring Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Kiera Knightley

Yargh. Captain Jack Sparrow’s (Johnny Depp) quasi-drunken routine returns in the sequel to the 2003 uber-hit based on the Disneyland ride. Normally, I would say that this was just another money-grabbing sequel, destined for mediocrity, but a film about pirates, especially ambiguously homosexual ones, is a guaranteed crowd pleaser. Supposedly “Dead Man’s Chest” is the second part of a “Pirates” trilogy, so expect an “Empire Strikes Back”- like cliffhanger. My money’s on Jack being Will Turner’s (Bloom) long lost father. You know I’m right, so don’t bet against me.

“A Scanner Darkly” (July 7) Starring Keanu Reeves, Woody Harrelson, Robert Downey,Jr. and Winona Rider.

We all know that Keanu Reeves can’t act. That said, chances are that this visually innovative movie will coverup his piss poor acting chops and deliver an intriguing story of a future in which every movement you make is recorded by the government. (Boy, that sounds familiar…) Based on a Philip K. Dick (“Minority Report”) story, computers were used to animate over live-action performances to create a unique blend of animation and real-life that makes Keanu as much a good actor as he is realistic.

“Clerks 2″ (July 21) Starring Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes

The first “Clerks” was a cult hit and launched director Kevin Smith’s career as the king of snappy dialogue, all revolving around gay, dick and fart jokes. Chances are that his sequel to the 1994 original will feature some of the same brilliant humor, only this time — get this — its in color! The clerks, Dante and Randal, from the Quickstop Mini-mart hit their 30s and have to find a new job. And what better job for a 30-year-old than at a fast food restaurant? Apparently none. Look for bit parts by Jason Lee, Rosario Dawson and Wanda Sykes.

“Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby” (August 4)

Will Ferrell is cashing in on his popularity more than anyone in Hollywood. Since his departure from “Saturday Night Live,” he has starred in some of the most financially successful comedies of the last decade. His ridiculous overacting in films like “Old School” and “Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy” has made this gigantic funny man super popular. He continues his antics in a film about a NASCAR driver. Needless to say, fast cars, fast women and plenty of booze will play a huge part in Ferrell’s ode to the South.

“Snakes on a Plane” (August 18) Staring Samuel L. Jackson

“Enough is enough. I’ve had it with these snakes.” If that line doesn’t get you excited about this movie, you need to get your excitement bone checked. For a film about a federal agent saving a witness from terrorists after they release a planeful of the slithery fiends on a commercial flight, this movie has generated Internet buzz on the level of the “Star Wars” movies. Stay tuned for the sequels “Sharks on a Rollercoaster” and “Bears in an Elevator.”